I am practicing essay writing to prepare for an English proficiency...

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Aug 20, 2019 22:24 英検 eiken
I am practicing essay writing to prepare for an English proficiency test. I have taken that test in June, but failed. According to my record, I have to improve my writing skills in all dimensions: content 3/4, structure 3/4, vocabulary 3/4, and grammar 3/4. It also says that I have to learn how to use proper conjunctions such as therefore, furthermore, or as a result. And I guess I should learn how to paraphrase to show my knowledge of vocabulary. I would be grateful if you could show me more proper ways to express my opinion!

Task: Write an essay on the given topic. Use two of the points below to support your answer. Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion. Suggested length: 120-150 words.
[Topic] Agree or disagree: Parents should give children regular household chores to do
[Points] fairness, responsibility, time for study, stress

--- Please correct my essay below
My answer: I agree with the idea that parents should give children regular household chores to do regarding to two reasons.
To begin with, children need to learn the importance of responsibility for their own lives. They will some day leave their parents to start their lives as an adult. Knowing how to run a house will help them in the future. Furthermore, they will have to take care of someone else, not only themselves, when they start their own families. Therefore, it's good to learn responsibility from a young age.
Secondly, sharing the housework teaches children what fairness is. Young and old, despite your gender, everyone needs to take part in household duties. Parents can teach children the right sense of human rights by allotting them things to do at house regularly. It 's fair that all family members share the housework.
For these reasons, I think that children should do regular housework chores.

Thanks in advance!