The World’s Wilderness Areas Better Protected

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Apr 10, 2011 23:54
The world’s wilderness areas definitely need to be better protected. In fact, a poll in Australia shows that they believe the environment should take priority over the farmers in Basin. There are three reasons why wilderness regions need to be defended in the world in good ways.

First of all, protecting the world’s wilderness areas can contribute to biodiversity. Wild animals and plants always require nature feeding them as well as providing home for them. For example, bears from destructed woods came down to where humans live, which made us feel scared in Japan.

Second, it could increase the number of ecotourism. It could allow us to know what wild animals and plants are like by actual experiences. Added to this, this is good opportunities for students to learn what to do for wilderness in the future.

Finally, it would lead to saving rights of indigenous peoples. They have exploited wilderness in the search of their comfortable life based on their particular tradition for a long time. For instance, nomad would lose their way of life if modernized by such mores as highly improved information technology.

Therefore, it can be said that there are many advantages in protecting wilderness areas. For the above reasons, they need to be better saved all over the world.
xChilla
Thank you for your correction!
Apr 11, 2011 02:09
  • The World’s Wilderness Areas Better Protected

  • The World’s Wilderness Areas Need Better Protection

 
  • The world’s wilderness areas definitely need to be better protected.

  • The world’s wilderness areas definitely need to be better protected. <-- OK

 
  • There are three reasons why wilderness regions need to be defended in the world in good ways.

  • There are three reasons why wilderness regions need to be defended throughout the world. in good ways.

 
  • Wild animals and plants always require nature feeding them as well as providing home for them.

  • Wild animals and plants (always/have to) rely on nature to feeding them as well as providing a home for them.

 
  • For example, bears from destructed woods came down to where humans live, which made us feel scared in Japan.

  • For example, bears from destructed woods come down to where humans live, which makes us feel scared in Japan. (For example, when bears habitats are destroyed, they come down to where humans lives and makes us scared.) <-- you don't need to say "Japan" because your topic is about the "protecting the world's wilderness" Also, this is true throughout the world, not only Japan.

 
  • Second, it could increase the number of ecotourism.

  • Second, it could increase the number of ecotourists. (Second, it could increase ecotourism.)

 
  • It could allow us to know what wild animals and plants are like by actual experiences.

  • It could allow us to learn what wild animals and plants are like from actual experiences.

 
  • Added to this, this is good opportunities for students to learn what to do for wilderness in the future.

  • In addition to this/On top of this, it is a good opportunity for students to learn what to do for the wilderness in the future.

 
  • Finally, it would lead to saving rights of indigenous peoples.

  • Finally, it would lead to preserving/protecting the rights of indigenous peoples.

 
  • They have exploited wilderness in the search of their comfortable life based on their particular tradition for a long time.

  • They have exploited wilderness in the search of their comfortable life based on their particular tradition for a long time. They have taken advantage of the wilderness to support their lives, which is based on a long tradition.

 
  • For instance, nomad would lose their way of life if modernized by such mores as highly improved information technology.

  • For instance, nomads would lose their way of life if modernized by such mores as highly improved information technology. ('such mores' is okay, but I suggest "by things such as")

 
  • For the above reasons, they need to be better saved all over the world.

  • For the above reasons, they need to be better protected/preserved all over the world.

 

I completely agree, there needs to be more done in preserving wildlife. Very good essay!!

I noticed you seem to have a similar outline in all our essays.
"______ definitely should/should not _____"
"First, Second, Third/Finally"

This is perfectly okay, but I'll give you some examples of ways to vary your writing more. (I'll use this essay as an example)

Intros:
- There are many reasons why the world's wilderness areas should be better protected.
- The lack of protection of the world's wilderness is a huge problem today.
- The world's wilderness is in dire need of attention. (this sounds very strong)

Body:
- First of all,
- To begin/start with,
- The most important reason is,

- Secondly,
- In addition to "the first one",
- The next reason is,

- Last but not least,
- Finally, and most importantly,
- The final reason is,
- Last but not least, the most important reason is,

(it's good to start with the most important reason either first or last)

Conclusion: (your conclusion is already pretty good, though it could be longer)
- In conclusion,
- As you can see,

I really enjoy reading your essays, I hope my suggestions can help you.

Apr 11, 2011 13:45 tomomonkey
Thanks!
I really appreciate your comment and advice.

I will take the writing test in English.
There has to be structure: Three or more paragraphs, including an introduction and conclusion and length: Around 200 words for only 20 minutes.

That's why I use the same words and structures.

So, your above advice is very helpful!!
As I cannot memorize all paragraphus I wrote, I need to have my sentenses corrected, and know how to make structures which makes my opinion of essays coherent.
Now, I got reallly tips such as "it's good to start with the most important reason either first or last".

Next time, I will do it by using that expression.
If you find more ways to get high score, would you please teach me how.

Thanks you!
x

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The world’s wilderness areas definitely need to be better protected. In fact, a poll in Australia shows that they believe the environment should take priority over the farmers in Basin. There are three reasons why wilderness regions need to be defended in the world in good ways. First of a


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