Lovely Winks　続きの続き

One day, my daughter called me, "Mom, look at me."

MINOR POINT: The first comma between "day" and "my" is probably not needed. (If this is being used as a ESL text, it might be helpful because it tells readers when to pause . . . but otherwise it might be best to delete the first comma.)

She was pressing her eye and since I was a pediatrician, so I was worried about her.

"She doesn't didn't have any redness around her eye and I could not detect any signs of look to have no pain.

SUGGESTION: Somewhere in this essay, it might be best to specify *which* eye was causing a problem. That would underscore that one eye was perfectly fine.

"She may have dust in her eye," I thought.

ALTERNATIVE WORDING, "She might have some dust in her eye." I pondered.

Then she said, "Mom, I can wink now!

Perfect! ALTERNATIVE WORDING, "Then she exclaimed, 'I can wink now!'!

Look, I can wink my by another eye as well!"

"Wink" is both a noun and verb.

I couldn't decide whether to if I should laugh or I should point out that it was not a real wink.

STYLISTIC POINT: It would be wise to avoid using the word "I" more than once in the same sentence.
(If "I" appears too many times, the sentence seems too self-centered.)

One day, my daughter called to me, "Mom, look at me."

She was pushing against her eye and I was a doctor, so I was worried about her.

"She doesn't have any redness around her eye and she seems to have no pain.

Look, I can wink in my another eye!"

I couldn't decide if I should laugh or if I should point out it was not a real wink.