Quick reference regarding my corrections:
Red: is required edit.
Blue: recommended edit
Gray: a word that you wrote that is unnecessary and that you can omit
I have been using Lang-8 for over a year and a half now. I have met many friends here and I hope to meet many more! Feel free to add myQQ at 1409981553.
I am also trying for each of my corrections to post an entire re-written essay that I would write as a native speaker. So you not only have your revised sentences but a your essay topic written by a native speaker. Maybe you'll learn something!