Skin: something Closest/Farthest

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Oct 30, 2012 06:27
All the time strange feeling, as if something has been creeping around my body. It sticks to me always. On streets, in classrooms, in supermarkets, everywhere except in my room. I am walking along on a street with my eyes down on my shoes. In crowds in the big city Tokyo, I felt myself often as one of ghosts in the daytime sliding through the air, but now it is completely different. I am not a ghost looking at everything around me just as diverse illusions anymore, but I am something stable and far from the element of this country.

"The feeling as a foreigner". It is too often said to find anything interesting in this sort of remark anymore. "I felt for the first time that I am a foreigner, Japanese." Well, it is right. But I am looking at the color of my skin, the skin that J. Tanizaki once described as "the skin, which contents the darkness in itself".

It clings to me too much to escape from it. I never felt ashamed of this color, and did not pay attention to it, of course, in Japan. But here I feel often fleeting one's eyes "on " my skin. Yes, what I feel is this: passing gazes on my skin from "white" people. Amount of these gazes I meet each day make me more tired to live here than in Japan. I am not a ghost living quietly in a harmony with my skin anymore. Here my skin is without any pause sending signals I cannot sense to the external world without "my" acknowledge. I exist everywhere in this city before "I" myself perceive so. My skin is all the time ahead of "me". I cannot catch up with her at all. This fact confuses me. I felt my skin something completely far from "me", even though it is here during writing this too.

Perhaps you will laugh at my feeling like "thinking too much" or "non-sense". Yes, I agree. However I am lately pondering often looking at my skin which I have been together from my birth and asking myself. "It looks not changing at all, but in fact, what is this?" Can anyone set me straight it confidently?