Special day

  •  
  • 110
  • 4
  • 2
  • English 
May 31, 2012 20:31
When I after school, I found my friends in the mahjong house of city, but unfortunate the boss didn't pay electric charge to power company then when my friends wants to lived but that house door didn't work, because no electricity can start the door so my friends didn't come out.
soon after I found my friend because she speaks English is really perfect also the boss came here but he didn't open that door,so my friend called phone to power campany,at same time another near the Kiwi shopkeeper help us, he carrys thick stick want to lever the door but he was fail.so wo just waited power campany help us.
In outside I talked with that Kiwi old man, I felt his very grandfatherly and friendly, he told me how to improve my English and his story even I forgot my friends lock inside.
Finally power campany opended the door, I really thanks that Kiwi,he helps us ccome out and explained to power campany.
Sedgehead
May 31, 2012 23:58
  • When I after school, I found my friends in the mahjong house of city, but unfortunate the boss didn't pay electric charge to power company then when my friends wants to lived but that house door didn't work, because no electricity can start the door so my friends didn't come out.

  • After school, I found my friends in the mahjong house of city, but unfortunately the boss didn't pay electric charge to power company's bill. Then when my friends wants to leave but the door to the house didn't work, because there was no electricity to open the door so my friends couldn't come out.

    1) -ly for adverbs
    2) use shorter sentences
    That situation is very dangerous! What if there was a fire and the fire burned through the electrical power source!

 
  • soon after I found my friend because she speaks English is really perfect also the boss came here but he didn't open that door,so my friend called phone to power campany,at same time another near the Kiwi shopkeeper help us, he carrys thick stick want to lever the door but he was fail.

  • Soon, after I found my friend because she speaks very good English is really perfect. Also the boss came here but he couldn't open that door. So my friend called the power company. At same time, another person near the Kiwi shopkeeper tried to help us. He used a thick stick and tried to pry the door open but he was failed.

 
  • so wo just waited power campany help us.

  • So we just waited for the power company to help us.

 
  • In outside I talked with that Kiwi old man, I felt his very grandfatherly and friendly, he told me how to improve my English and his story even I forgot my friends lock inside.

  • While waiting outside I talked with that Kiwi old man. I felt he was very grandfatherly and friendly. He told me how to improve my English and while listening to his story even I forgot my friends were locked inside.

 
  • Finally power campany opended the door, I really thanks that Kiwi,he helps us ccome out and explained to power campany.

  • Finally power campany opended the door. I really thanked that Kiwi man. He helped us ccome out and explained the situation to the power campany.

 

You write very good English and have a good vocabulary. All you need is more practice!

Jun 1, 2012 06:02 Daniel Wei
Thank you for your guidance,and I will continue to work hard.

Jun 3, 2012 06:26 Sedgehead
Use a space after a comma. See my lang-8 "Little things" blog on March 30 for more information.
Aliene
Jun 1, 2012 22:06
  • When I after school, I found my friends in the mahjong house of city, but unfortunate the boss didn't pay electric charge to power company then when my friends wants to lived but that house door didn't work, because no electricity can start the door so my friends didn't come out.

  • After school, I found my friends in the mahjong house in the city, but unfortunately the boss didn't pay the power bills. When my friends wanted to leave, the door didn't work, because there was no electricity to start the door so my friends couldn't come out.

    Try writing shorter sentences. That makes it easier to read.

 
  • soon after I found my friend because she speaks English is really perfect also the boss came here but he didn't open that door,so my friend called phone to power campany,at same time another near the Kiwi shopkeeper help us, he carrys thick stick want to lever the door but he was fail.

  • Soon after, I got my friend who speaks perfect English to help and the boss came as well but he didn't open the door. My friend called the power company and the same time a Kiwi shopkeeper helped us. He brought a thick stick to use as a lever but failed to pry the door open.

 
  • so wo just waited power campany help us.

  • So we just waited for the power company to help us.

 
  • In outside I talked with that Kiwi old man, I felt his very grandfatherly and friendly, he told me how to improve my English and his story even I forgot my friends lock inside.

  • While waiting outside I talked with that old Kiwi man. I felt his very grandfatherly and friendly manner and he told me how to improve my English. Listening to his stories made me forget my friends were locked inside.

 
  • Finally power campany opended the door, I really thanks that Kiwi,he helps us ccome out and explained to power campany.

  • Finally the power company opened the door. I am really thankful to that Kiwi who helped us and explained the situation to the power company.

 

Jun 4, 2012 18:47 Daniel Wei
I got it thanks so much !

Jun 5, 2012 11:28 Aliene
You're welcome
x

Report this entry as spam

Spam entry

When I after school, I found my friends in the mahjong house of city, but unfortunate the boss didn't pay electric charge to power company then when my friends wants to lived but that house door didn't work, because no electricity can start the door so my friends didn't come out. soon after


Author

Daniel Wei


Reporter

0

Close Send