IELTS writing task 10

Thank you in advance, for being* willing to spend some time to correct my mistakes.

*Or, “for your willingness to.”

well-being.

1, This is a written essay, Whether or not the words are colloquial -- this is a written essay.*

*The “about” in the previous sentence doesn’t flow into “this is...” well. It’s better to start with “whether or not” so that it reads “correct my essay about whether or not this is...”

2, Can anything be expressed in a more formal way

With the development of the society, people have less free time to enjoy their lives*.

“Lives,” since everyone leads a different life. If you said “their life,” that would imply that everyone lives exactly the same life.

Most adults spend the greater part of [1] their life at work; [2] therefore, the factors which are give rise to job satisfaction have attracted much [3] attention recently.

[1] More formal. “Lot(s)” is informal when it refers to quantity.
[2] You need a semicolon between independent clauses joined by words like “therefore,” “however,” etc. An independent clause is a part of a sentence that would make sense as its own separate sentence.
[3] If you want to use “person,” you have to use the apostrophe to indicate possession: “persons’ attention.” However, it’s more common to use “people” in the plural. Neither word is actually necessary here, so I prefer just omitting both of them.

There are many factors which are contribute* to job satisfaction.

*“Contribute” is a normal verb, and verbs aren’t conjugated with any helping verb (auxiliary verbs like “are”) in the simple present tense. If you want to use an adjective, you can say “are contributors to...”

Initially, the chance of promotion is an essential part of people feeling satisfied with their jobs.

If the staff can be promoted easily based on their perfect performance* then they will be enthusiastic about their work.

*“Through their perfect performances” would mean that every employee of every company always performs perfectly.

Secondly, the individuals also consider that the relationships among* their coworkers impact their feeling about satisfaction, because someone will work more efficiently and happily when he works with his friends than if he works with someone he does not like all day.

*“Between” is used with two items. For more than two items, “among” is used.

Furthermore, for individuals, they will have a sense of well-being when they are working_ if they have easy-going bosses.

A nice leader will make the staff work in a carefree way and they will not have to spend much time improving the relationship between their bosses and the staff, and can therefore be absorbed in their jobs.

In addition, people’s interest in jobs should not be neglected.

Interest can motivate people’s passion for work and without interest people may feel their jobs are boring.

There also are some realistic expectations which individuals have in regards to their jobs.

Wages must come first. The staff expects to obtain a fair pay and welfare so that their family members can live well.

“Stuff” = things
“Staff” = workers, employees

What is more, having some paid holidays is also required by some employees and they think that it is a reward for their hard work that they should have some holidays which will make them feel less pressure and relieve them from daily stress.

“Staff” is always plural. It never refers to only one person, unlike in Japanese.

To conclude, there are multiple factors that have influence on people’s sense of satisfaction with their jobs; for example, wages, holidays, colleagues, leaders, promotion, interest and so on. Consequently, when people hunt for jobs they should consider carefully so that they can get a job that suits them.