IELTS writing task 9

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May 27, 2012 11:03
This is my ninth IELTS writing task. Thank you in advance, for willing to spend some time to correct my mistakes.

•The topic is: Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?

•I hope my friends can help me to correct my essay about:
1,This is a written essay, whether or not the words are colloquial
2, Can it be expressed in a more formal way
3,Better words to use so that the essay is not boring

•Here is my composition:
Recently, there has a research showed that the characteristics are more important for us personality and development than our life experiences. I am against to the consequences of the research. From my point of view, the experiences people have in life are essential than the characteristics people are born with.

Initially, one's personality and development are impacted deeply by the atmosphere which people grow up and it gives individuals treasure experiences in life. The degree of education persons has received can help them develop. That is the reason why students study hard and students' parents try their best to choose high education quality schools for their children. Additionally, the circumstance of individuals daily life also have great influence for people. Consequently, people have been taught have to play with kind persons when they are a child. For parents, they try to their best to perform well when they are with their children. This is helpful for create a good living atmosphere and good for their childrens' growing.

Furthermore,if a man have rich experienced in life , will help them solving the problems more efficiency. Characteristics may not make a person become a worker who is good at working , however, working experiences can. Therefore,these workers may get more rewarde as they can work efficiency, then they contribute more profit to the company.

To conclude, in my view, experiences will contribute more to people personality and development than characteristics. It owing to that experiences can help people performe well during work and experiences impact people deeply through the atmosphere we living.

That'a all,thanks!o(≧v≦)o~~