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IELTS writing task 8
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This is my eighth IELTS writing task. Thank you in advance, for willing to spend some time to correct my mistakes.
•The topic is:Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
•I hope my friends can help me to correct my essay about:
1,This is a written essay, whether or not the words are colloquial
2, Can it be expressed in a more formal way
3,Better words to use so that the essay is not boring
•Here is my composition:
The rate of crime is increasing with the progress of society. There has a disscuss about whether or not the punishments for crime should be fixed. This essay will look at some of the arguments for and against fix punishments.
Some individuals belives that only the country fix punishments for kinds of crime, the resident could have an safe societal atmosphere, because of nobody have special right to aviod punishing if anyone had done something which harm others benefit. For example, no matter who criminal's father is and no matter what status criminal are in the society, the criminal must be punished in the same way as ordinary person. Therefore, everyone will pay more attention to their activities in society as no one can help them escape away from punishing if they against the law.
However, others hold opposite view. These people insist that should not fix punishments for varieties of crime. The degree of crime should not only considerate which type of crime they had done, but also should think about circumstances, motivation and so on. There are many factors contribute to crime. For instance, if one kill others just for save innocent persons that country should not kill the criminal. Addtionaly, some people commit crime because of the circumstances are emergency. For example, others aim to kill them and they must take some action to protect themselves, unfortunately sometimes they harm those people who want to kill them deeply because of they are too afraid that cannot control themselves, in this situation, they should not undertake the same degree of punishing as those people who harm others active.
To conclude, I against to fix punishments for crime. Because many factors are effected persons to commit crime. Sometimes, they may do some contribute to the society. For example, when they frighting with criminal they hurt criminal with careless. Therefore, when punishment somebody should considerate all factors which let them harm others' benefits. Criminal should not be punished in some way just because the kind of crime they had committed.
That's all,thanks!O(∩_∩)O
•The topic is:Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
•I hope my friends can help me to correct my essay about:
1,This is a written essay, whether or not the words are colloquial
2, Can it be expressed in a more formal way
3,Better words to use so that the essay is not boring
•Here is my composition:
The rate of crime is increasing with the progress of society. There has a disscuss about whether or not the punishments for crime should be fixed. This essay will look at some of the arguments for and against fix punishments.
Some individuals belives that only the country fix punishments for kinds of crime, the resident could have an safe societal atmosphere, because of nobody have special right to aviod punishing if anyone had done something which harm others benefit. For example, no matter who criminal's father is and no matter what status criminal are in the society, the criminal must be punished in the same way as ordinary person. Therefore, everyone will pay more attention to their activities in society as no one can help them escape away from punishing if they against the law.
However, others hold opposite view. These people insist that should not fix punishments for varieties of crime. The degree of crime should not only considerate which type of crime they had done, but also should think about circumstances, motivation and so on. There are many factors contribute to crime. For instance, if one kill others just for save innocent persons that country should not kill the criminal. Addtionaly, some people commit crime because of the circumstances are emergency. For example, others aim to kill them and they must take some action to protect themselves, unfortunately sometimes they harm those people who want to kill them deeply because of they are too afraid that cannot control themselves, in this situation, they should not undertake the same degree of punishing as those people who harm others active.
To conclude, I against to fix punishments for crime. Because many factors are effected persons to commit crime. Sometimes, they may do some contribute to the society. For example, when they frighting with criminal they hurt criminal with careless. Therefore, when punishment somebody should considerate all factors which let them harm others' benefits. Criminal should not be punished in some way just because the kind of crime they had committed.
That's all,thanks!O(∩_∩)O
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The rate of crime is increasing with the progress of society.
"with" can be substituted into " in respect to..." because in a way, you can't really say that the more society develops, crime rate will also increase. Crime rate will increase without progress of society. But anyway..."with" is correct as well...
There has been a discussion about whether or not the punishments for crime should be fixed.
This essay will look at some of the arguments for and against fixed punishments.
Some individuals believe that only fixed punishments for different kinds of crime, will then allow the residents to have a safe societal atmosphere. Consequently, nobody have special rights to avoid punishment, if anyone had done something which has caused harm to others.
For example, no matter who is the criminal mind or what the criminal status is, the criminal must be punished.
criminal's father?
Therefore, everyone will pay more attention to their activities in society as no one can help them escape from punishment if they go against the law.
However, others hold opposite view.
Sentence is too short " However, there are many contrasting perspectives..."
Maybe give some examples =)
These people insist that the punishments should not be fixed.
The degree of crime should not only consider the type of crime they had done, but also to consider the circumstances/consequences, motivation? and so on.
There are many factors contributing to crime.
For instance, if someone killed other people for the purpose of saving another innocent live. Then that criminal should not be punished.
In an essay or writing task.. it is best to introduce the points you are going to say first, at the beginning - First paragraph.
Additionally, some people commit crime because of emergency circumstances.
Hint - this is a topic/point should have state that in the beginning - in introduction to writing task.
For example, other people is trying to kill someone and they must take action to protect themselves。Unfortunately，sometimes they in return harm those people who wanted to kill them because they are too afraid that they cannot control themselves. In this situation, they should not undertake the same degree of punishing as those people who has intention to harm others.
Oh emergency circumstances.... You mean "self defence"
To conclude, I am against to fixed punishments for crime.
Because many factors are affecting innocent people to commit unintentional crime.
Sometimes, they may contribute to the society.
For example, when they fighting with criminals they may hurt criminals careless.
In conclusions, don't give out new examples, nothing should be new in here. It is just a summary of what you said before.
Therefore, when punishing somebody, they should consider all factors that may had led them to harm others。
Punishing = verb, Punishment = noun
Considerate = adjective , consider = verb
开头-introduction:state what you are going to say - state your points
主体段 - body: explain/discuss/justify your points
结论 -conclusion: summarise what you have explained/discussed/justified in your body主体段.
it? Does not "who" could only modified people?