My body itself was refusing life. Like being between life and death. Not feeling alive but not feeling dead either. Being stuck somewhere in the middle.
I guess I was in a meditation phase, thinking about my presence in this life, about everything. And I felt very confused. No matter where I looked, everyone was taking care of themselves, chasing their own interest.
While I was alone desperatly trying to work for a greater good.
But I wonder if I am not mistaken. Am I really doing it because I am good inside or because it is convenient for me? That tought made me sick to my stomach.
I have had like some kind of sour after taste ever since. Even when I gave a street boy one of my sweets like I always do. I wondered if I was doing it for him or for myself. Horrible feeling.
But when I logged into lang-8, I found messages and comments, all with kind warm words. I was so surprised. I read every one at least four times haha don't laugh but I really did. The words seemed strange or even distant, like they were adressed to someone else. I wonder, do I really diserve this?
I was so suprised that someone actually tought about me, that I counted somewhere somehow. I wonder why? I have done nothing special, yet I receive so much love.
I should feel happy, but instead, I feel like the person they are for is not me. Like some other person who deserves all this.
But the same old me that spend her life drinking coffee when she shouldn't, dancing in places she shouldn't and saying the most baka things one can imagine, someone like me can't be praised in such a way.
I really apreciate everything and I will try to be a better person
I will try to find a reason to go on till the very end, something to keep me going
and I want to say thank you to everyone for giving me what I needed the most :
Love . =)
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These last few days have been like hell for me, nothing was right and I felt like I could easily fall on my knees and never wake up. My body itself was refusing life. Like being between life and death. Not feeling alive but not feeling dead either. Being stuck somewhere in the middle. I guess I was