Love of Tear Color 涙色の愛

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Sep 19, 2011 11:33
I'll try to translate a essay written by Japanese essayist,Akiko Kumai.

She is in a difficult love.
She said, " I sometimes feel so lonesome that I want to kill myself."

The creed she lives by is: Happiness is not what you steal from someone.
Because of that, she looks much harder.

I don't like Sundays.I 'm scared of the mirror because my face is drown with jealousy of his happy home.I'm miserable, sad and unable to stay.Seeing beautiful flowers, listening to my favorite records, nothing helps me.And I hate such as myself.It's dangerous, isn't it?
Then, although I have no appetite, I get up against my will and I cook the ones that my mom made for me when I was sick in bed.
While I am eating some rice gruel and fried egg at a slow speed, I notice"Oh, yes, my parents took care of me hard not to die of measles.I was a dear child for them."
And I get to be able to consider of his situation and his kid's happiness.

Even though my mind have been full of horizontal relationship, suddenly longitudinal love comes up.
ヨコの関係で頭がいっぱいになっていたのに、ふいにタテの愛情が思い浮かぶ。(This sentence is too difficult for me to translate.)
I can't break it.

I just talk to myself. If this is a real love, the circumstances will change generously and I will be tied with him.