Never think life is not beautiful

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Aug 20, 2013 10:11
Long time no see Lang8 people. My name is Jenny I´m 24 years old and today I want to talk about something really hard.
In this 24 years I been kind of victim of really bad life, my family never had so much money, for that reason I expend all my childhood almost starving, don´t had anything like a new pair of shoes to go to school or kindergarten, I was victim of bullying because of that, because sometimes I went to school really hungry or punched for my mom´s boyfriend, people all the time say to me no ones love me. I start to stay up all nigth thinking, crying and praying (I never belived in god so I pray to the world or someone). When I was only 2 or 3 months, my father decided make other family, my mom all the life said to me they don´t want me to born and for that reason he go. Since I was 4 years old I had insomnia , I slept only few hours, I was really depressed and time goes by I didn´t trusth in anyone but my uncle, when I was 11 years old he decided to take off my childhood I was completly devastate, the person I thougth he´ll be like my father since my real father go off, broke my life, and make me feel dirty and guilty.(no one ever belived that really happend so I face it alone) Since that happend I start to use drugs, and self ijury to feel better, but I was worst and worst, I became bulimic at 12 years old, and I start to think the only way was kill myself to forget all the bad thinks, anyway, no ones want me here, so I expend all my life crying, being whit the wrong people, doing wrong stuffs, and thinking the best way to die, I barely enjoy my life. Someday I meet someone who´s I thougth he can saved me ( my psychology said to me I shouldn´t think one person can change my mind but I was really in love and I thought this was forever), even if he was warm, and tender, I still feeling my life was unfair, and I should die because no one´s love me, so I tried again, and I couldn´t, for sure my mind was like thinking I don´t wanna die,I want other people like my family realized how much I was suffering but they didn´t, my boyfriend break up to me, my best friend decided to stop to talk, and my other best friend just don´t talk so much now, she got other healthy happy friends, I´m really alone now. After all this happend, after cry so much, I realized I did so much stuffs to don´t feel pain but I didn´t try, never, to be happy, just forget what happened and continue my life smiling, I didn´t try to live because I was just a silly girl, so afraid to do something different, now I lost all but for some reason I think is positive, I wanna live my life, I´m not a loser because of my past, I just had a bad life but now I should grow up and smile, because I had the chance to live, because I loved and I was loved, because I deserve to be happy, no matter what happend. If someone over there are reading this and feel they´re just tired of live, take a deep breathe, cry if you need, but don´t try to kill your self, don´t do that, people around you will suffer and you know you care, and you´ll suffer too, even if you succed live the life worth to try, we already had a hard life so in some part we´re stronger than orthers, we know how to fight, we should know we can do it, we can do it better, we can change, and we can smile, even in the worst situation. If someone needs someone to talk about it, I´m here, we´re not alone, because outside, in the world are so many people suffering now, and what they/we need is a hug, someone to say I love you, someone to say I care, and I don´t care about bad things you did, I belive you can change. I don´t wanna tell a lie, I´m really sad, but I know my life is going to be better because now I decided. Thanks for read.