richards elliot

Thank you for your correcting my English and present song about cherry blossoms!

;)

teamjenny

why is "At once he went" wrong?

One day Fukushima will return to its beautiful nature from Sakura, delicious fuits. let's pray for Fukushima.

Thank you for your prayer for Fukushima from Egypt, Shiroi Bara!

If you would like to use "at once," I would recommend you say, "He went at once." ^^

teamjenny,I have changed "At Once he went" into " he immediately went" because it's more natural for native speakers of English. Thank you again.

You're welcome. I am happy to read your writing!

muso,
thank you for your correcting my English. I wanted to avoid same sounds in my prose as much as possible because this is a kind of poetry like Japanese "haibun" which contains both prose and some haikus. For example, I wanted to avoid the repitition of "the" or "cause". My haibun needs both English
grammar and poetry. Native speakers of English, would you give me your suggestions from the two points of view? I want to brush up my English as best I can. My English is borderless.

Yes, and I love how language can adapt and evolve. I don't really like 'correcting' prose as it's a personal and interpretive thing, so there are few rules. However, I can be a bit pedantic sometimes, so although I might suggest that "is a source of cancer" isn't technically correct, it's certainly not incorrect. I do think you have a wonderful talent for words.

muso
Thank you very much!
I'm honored to recieve you compliments because I have been writing five-line poems called "gogyohshi" in English for three years in this site:Lang-8. "Fukushima Renaissance" is "gogyohshibun" which means a prose containing some gogyohshi.

Thank you for correcting my English, richards,teamjenny,muso,shiroi Bara, Shukuran

I have corrected it as follows.

"Fukushima　Renaissance"

I hesitated to return to my hometown,Fukushima due to the
contamination caused by the nuclear leak at Fukushima Atomic
Power Plant on March 11, 2011. The wind has spread cesium from
the plant all across the prefecture. It is said to be a poyential cause of cancer for children and babies in the future.
After hesitating for a few days, I decided to go back there in spite of this, for I believed I was too old to contract cancer from the fall-out in the future years.I went there by an express bus in August. When I got off, the fields
spread before me as far as the eye could see.


I can't believe
they have been contaminated
by cesium winds,
standing before the green, green,
brilliant fields.


I stayed at my brother's house and took a walk with my
nephews the next day. One of them said, "Oh, I’ve
forgotten to take a dosimeter with me. " He immediately went
back home and brought it back with him. We walked to a
park by a river.


Dosimeters
hanging from their necks
even when the children
play tag with me
in the green park.


One afternoon it began to shower suddenly. Our cat
dashed into my brother's house in the rain and sat under
the eaves.


Our cat
ignorant
as it licks
cesium rain
from its wet fur.


Fukushima was famous for its fruits - apples, pears
and peaches. My brother's wife peeled a peach for me.


I have just eaten
a pink peach.
Though very delicious,
a trace of cesium
has just entered my body.


But


I can’t see cesium,
nor hear it,
nor feel it,
it’s an invisible
enemy.


I went sightseeing at a famous tourist attraction with
my brother’s family but there were few visitors there
due to a fear of cesium though it used to be crowded in the
past with many children on summer vacation.


Come back,
return back,
former Fukushima
where children played outside
with their parents cheerfully.


After awhile, many parents and public servants
began to clean cesium from the grounds of all preschools,
primary schools, and high schools in Fukushima. The
residents have been cleaning their houses, gardens
and roads. Farmers have been sweeping their fields,
forests and mountains for months.　Lots of inhabitants
have been trying to clean all of Fukushima.


Earth and wind,
pears and peaches,
cats and humans,
may all beings
revive in Fukushima.


I go to Miharu town near the nuclear plants to see
the beautiful cherry blossoms every spring. The famous tree
there is about 1,000 years old. It's very large and the
blossoms spread into the blue sky. The residents call it
"Takizakura" because "taki" means falls, "zakura" means
cherry blossoms in Japanese. The blossoms look like
pink waterfalls cascading from the azure sky. I will go
there to get vitalized by the cherry blossoms next spring.


We'll sing a song
and dance again
around the tall spreading cherry
in our hometown,
Fukushima.

Native speakers of English, could you give me your suggestions?
Which is best of the next five sentences?

1. I will go there to get the great energy from the cherry blossoms
next spring.
2. I will go there to get energized from the cherry blossoms
next spring.
3. I will go there to get vitalized by the cherry blossoms next
spring.
4. I will go there to get revitalized by the cherry blossoms
next spring.
5. I will go there to get revived by the cherry blossoms next
spring.

I think l prefer No.4.
;)) Thanks for sharing this beautiful work which awakens in me the urge to do more for the Japanese in Fukushima.
Time has numbed the empathy in my heart for the residents of Fukushima after the initial shock and feeing of sorrow for them.
We must strive to help them rebuild their lives. We are all a part of a large global family and we must work together to rebuild a beautiful tomorrow for everyone.
Thanks, Mr Aizu, for this beautiful message as well as the feeling of hope in my heart, inspired by this exquisite and emotive work.
どうもありがとうございます。

Shukuran
Thank you very much.
I agree with you completely. No.4 is the best oa all.
I'm honored to share my work with you and very happy to recieve your kind heart. I agree ,"We are all a part of a large global family." Tha's right, we are "an Earther"! This word is my coinage,ha,ha!

Thank you for some suggestions,Sarahu.
I hear you live in Japan. Have you ever been to Fukushima?

I lived in Fukushima for a year ^0^ I lived in Kawauchi-mura! They're having problems now with people not returning because of the radiation fallout, too...

Oh,Sarahu,you lived in Kawauchi-mura in Fukushima prefecture for a year! Yes, young people can't return to their hometown and some old people stayed there because they wanted to send their last days calmly in their hometown, though officilas said,"Flee from there!".

Sara Hu
Thank you for your comments. Fukushima has recoverd a little by little from the disaster of the huge earthquake and tsunami but not completely. In particular inhabitants of Fukushima are suffering from the bad rumor of the agricultural products in Fukushima. I hope they will clean the cesium in all Fukushima like my poem.

Thank you for your good suggestions,深縹
Most of them are very convincing for me. Most suggestions from most native speakers of English have made my prose and five-line poems perfect.

All native speakers of English,
thanks to your many suggestions,
"Fukushima Renaissance"
has become a diamond.
Thank you again!